Look inside..

I felt the need to repost this.

2009-06-02T19:26:19Z

"I keep trying. I know it's stupid. but i have this feeling that it can happen. I just want it to happen. I need that thing i took for granted.. that amazing plethora of emotion and feeling that made me smile that I just took as another smell on the breeze or a warm cascade of sun on my face.

I've changed damnit.. I've changed..

I'm not that person anymore. That monster. I hate myself for it. I cried.. night after night... for every heart I'd broken. I felt a pain in my chest as I recalled every tear filled face... for what.. the next spike from an emotional surge of finding a new relationship.. when what i needed to find all that i hadn't found yet. To open myself for that in return.. to learn about my lover instead of falling into the everyday pattern of unfeeling repetitious crap.

Patience... where is it.."

Again I find myself in the same place. I just lost an amazing relationship because of whispers about my past. The only way to describe my current state is "Trying". Like fishing, if you always grabbed up a fish it would be called Catching instead. I can only Hope that my tries turn into something more. That I find that one. I've noticed a change in the way I've been acting. It's kind of scary. When desire turns to desperation.

Trying.. I'm Trying.

exaspius @ 2007-11-09T01:05:00

2007-11-09T06:11:56Z

I keep trying. I know it's stupid. but i have this feeling that it can happen. I just want it to happen. I need that thing i took for granted.. that amazing plethora of emotion and feeling that made me smile that I just took as another smell on the breeze or a warm cascade of sun on my face.

I've changed damnit.. I've changed..

I'm not that person anymore. That monster. I hate myself for it. I cried.. night after night... for every heart I'd broken. I felt a pain in my chest as I recalled every tear filled face... for what.. the next spike from an emotional surge of finding a new relationship.. when what i needed to find all that i hadn't found yet. To open myself for that in return.. to learn about my lover instead of falling into the everyday pattern of unfeeling repetitious crap.

Patience... where is it..

New Beginning.

2007-10-16T17:22:57Z

I have a new job. I have people who care for me and support me. I have a place to live. I have a car. I have a future.

Now to just find that last missing piece that's kept me up so many nights.

Going to Haven tonight after work to hopefully clear my head.. get me thinking straight.

exaspius @ 2007-10-11T14:08:00

2007-10-11T18:10:03Z

I has a job yayyyyy!!

I will be workin at A&D Metals on second shift. Doin machine shop shtufffff. Very excited. I start Monday. Huzzah!

exaspius @ 2007-10-03T14:05:00

2007-10-03T18:11:31Z

I trudge up river knee deep in tears and blood flowing from eyes too far open catching debris of shattered lives. Fingers tear at filth encrusting open wounds. Infected again. A heart laying weakly hoping a warm touch can bring it's beat to a normal pace again. Wings outspread to catch wind and fly but only blocking light to freeze a mind once brilliant with hope. Bring me to my knees so I might be ready to worship a saviour of the senses. Make me feel. Make me want again. I am yours to tear apart, my chest is wide open. Shatter bone and coat your hands in life discarded to bathe me in redemption in your eyes. I am yours.

Fingers crossed

2007-10-03T15:21:27Z

Just had an interview this mornin with Comcast. Went very well. Kept the guy on his toes for questions and didn't look like a dummy. Yay! So I will be waitin on pins and needles for a call. If it falls through in warehouse he said he would be forwarding my info to a number of departments that may need me. Comcast.. mmmmm Yummy benefits. :-D

An amazing evening.

2007-10-01T13:10:59Z

I can't say it enough. Thankyou. For the conversation, the food, the company, and for being strong enough to preserve those things about you that made you amazing. Thankyou for your forgiveness. It's healed a wound I've had ever since that day. I was so afraid.. SO afraid. I'm glad that my fears were just butterflies and that I was able to spend a fantastic evening filled with conversation about the world, those in it, and the hows and whys that follow such things.

I woke up smiling. Thankyou.

The next we meet and spend time cannot be soon enough.

Those who wander.

2007-09-23T18:09:44Z

I'm back in Ma. Living in Westfield right now. Not doing so great. If anyone has some time to spare. Just for a chat... a walk... a coffee.. or just a hug... I would appreciate it greatly. For now, I'm just smiling.. thats all I can do. :-)

Much Love,

Nate

Birthday shtuffs..

2007-03-06T16:30:10Z

Well on Saturday night we are going to do the disco bowl type thing.. dunno where it's going to happen yet.. but it will be saturday the 10th.. and it will be bowling.. with drinking.. and yay. Might shoot for Noho.. but we will see. Chances are it will be there though.

exaspius @ 2007-03-01T23:59:00

2007-03-02T05:01:18Z

So how does one get people out and about to come and celebrate a guys 22nd birthday.. PLEASE INFORM ME!!

I suck at organizing outings and celebrations and such. So any ideas would be great. I jus want more people than I can count on one hand to hang out with on the saturday after my B-Day (The 8th being my B-day) So E-mail me!!! Whispersinmind@gmail.com

Any input is welcome!!!

~Nate

exaspius @ 2006-09-01T00:57:00

2006-09-01T05:04:21Z

We did it.. Cas and I are moving into the new apartment in Broadbrook, CT. At first we had 4 roomates.. then one decided that mooching off his parents was still a good idea and that going out on your own was for the birds.. then another got his car stolen and lost his job and didn't contact us till about a week and a half ago. So that left Cas and I with a beautiful apartment and not enough money. Fine.. Loan time. *buzzer* Wrong. Cas and her dad got denied the loan. *Panic* homeless?.. don't wanna but i can deal. Called mom and dad to tell them whats up.. Mom says she can take out a loan.. Okay.. might take a lil bit.. couple homeless days are fine. Dadoo says he can put me up in Grampy D's house. Awesome.. lil further of a drive but it's a roof over my head and good peoples to be with. Then Mom calls me back; Gram and Gramp Baines are going to lend you the money. "WHAT!?" *bouncing up and down* Thank jeebus.. everything is okay. We move in tommorrow (Friday) it's a fantastic 2 bedroom town house with a lil backyard.. unfinished basement.. carpet shtuffs. We can afford it.. but we are going to look for a roomate or 2 to alleviate some of the pressure.. so if anyone knows someone.. do send them my way :-) It's in NW CT. this place has a basketball court.. community exercise room.. pool.. mini theatre to rent out with theatre style seating.. chill room.. and thats all right near our apartment. yay!

exaspius @ 2006-07-20T05:42:00

2006-07-20T09:45:34Z

Told my work I was leaving.. and they almost crapped themselves and offered me an assistant supervisor position paying atleast 14.50 an hour..

they like me.. they really like me.

i guess thats what happens when a smart MA kid goes to a CT boon town. I think i'm gonna stay. Move to a new Apt around here cuz my landlord blows.. but I'm gonna stick around. cuz i have to choose between moving up to MA with an uncertainty of an entry level job maybe in a warehouse making maybe 10 - 11 an hour.. or this... guaranteed. from my past experience of depending on maybes.. i need to go with the guarantee.

exaspius @ 2006-07-07T04:38:00

2006-07-07T08:39:19Z

I fricken hate money... i don't think the move is gonna happen... not this time. Later.. I jus need more time..

exaspius @ 2006-06-29T05:33:00

2006-06-29T09:41:36Z

Leaving for new york tommorrow and staying until tuesday. just going up to forget everything and relax. i was going to go up sunday so i could go to my gramps cookout.. but i'm going insane.. i need to go as soon as possible and get away from all the bullcrap around here. I just need to get away. i was an inch away from snapping and spazzing out at my coworker because he had me come in at 4 so we could leave at noon cuz he had to do things.. ok.. cool.. whatev.. then at 10:30 we get a job to move around a crud ton of boxes.. he goes to put a label on a hydrant.. said he'd be right back... an hour later at 11:30 he comes back and says he's leaving early.. and to close and lock up everything..

I... hate.. this man.

an hour to put a label on a hydrant?.. no.. thats not kosher. this guy dodges physical labor like the plague. I am prolly gonna talk to my production manager about it.. or HR or something. They couldn't hold on to temps for the job i have.. my coworker said they couldn't handle the work. no ass hat.. they couldn't handle their work AND yours everyday so you could get paid to sit in a chair in one of the bins.. or pee out the back door.. or take 500 coffee breaks... or take 1000 calls on ur cellphone during work hours.

been a while

2006-06-22T08:43:26Z

Still alive. Still kickin.

things are a lil crazy. Money is going everywhere but my pocket lately due to this that and the other thing. I need to get back to MA. I'm going to be working on saving up so i an find a job in MA again and get back to the people i love, to the places i know, to the friends I've left behind. CT is driving me nuts. Nothing but hicks and broken dreams. I want to be in the place where people use mustiple syllables to describe their broken dreams and go on to their backup dreams that will come true.

I miss you all..

I love you all..

I'll be home as soon as I can.

exaspius @ 2006-04-22T05:04:00

2006-04-22T09:04:53Z

Another tattoo boys and girls... thats right.... gonna be callin Tony at nightmare today to see if he found his sketches he made up for me :-) hurray!

exaspius @ 2006-03-28T05:19:00

2006-03-28T10:24:24Z

The new job is fantastic. yesterday felt like a day off after work. And work itself?.. I moved 2,150 pounds of camel hair by hand and using a hoe. Today I'll be handling Kashmir, in the same amount. when you have a shirt that has a certain percentage of material ie cotton, kashmir, silk, polyester... thats me buddy.. i do that :-) the people i work with are nuts which means they're predictable... always good. lil dirty and hickish, but whatev. I can keep confusin 'em with club stories and wave a torch at 'em if they get too close. worked 9 hours yesterday. all paid. a 10 minute break at 9 and a 20 minute break at noon for lunch. from 6 am to 3am. god this rules.

exaspius @ 2006-03-25T08:55:00

2006-03-25T13:59:13Z

5 beers and 2 shots

stayed out till 4am

have to open at 9:30..

a meal at Dennys

Drove myself and 2 others home

had 6 ciggarrettes

1/2 a bag of pretzels

hit 4 hours of warcraft

no sleep..

and when i got home i took a dose of nyquil to try an sleep..

i think i met god.....

exaspius @ 2006-03-08T10:35:00

2006-03-08T15:37:17Z

Happy birthday to me!! big 21. woo!!

exaspius @ 2006-03-04T13:07:00

2006-03-04T18:07:22Z

21 in 4 days. Excited?.. yes :-)

exaspius @ 2006-02-21T11:20:00

2006-02-21T16:27:23Z

Claw marks across open eyes, the world so fuzzy to an untrained mind. Soft warm, thrown to the wayside. a bleeding fist, a tear filled eye. Every emotion secreted in reds and blues till I go white. patriotic in his pain but too proud to stand beside. burn me up, tap me off, show me the list of things i've done wrong so I can realize the mirror i stand before and let every shard stick in as it cascades down like rain. Heavy breath, broken bones, and sore lungs. If you wanna fight me, fight these tears. Late nights, early morning, every tick resounding across empty halls as the clock looms over me. Back me into a corner, please. This pup has been through more, and worse. Clean edges yearn for blood, to be dirtied with a thousand souls. Forget the surface, that smile's worth it's weight in dirt. What does a giving man have when he's gave his all?

exaspius @ 2006-01-30T10:14:00

2006-01-30T15:22:07Z

I can't wait... my life is like a river being held back by a dam.... that dam?... turning 21... as soon as I do my life will be ridiculously amazing.. I'll be taking up a cigarrette distribution job where i'll be putting in a few nights from midnight to 4 or 5 jus askin people to have a carton of Kools or something... and that pays 17.50/hour starting. That is on top of the company paying for my cover to go into any club they choose to send me to and since a good buddy of mine is going to be the coordinator I get to go to any club of my choosing. Cover paid, jus relax, talk to people, give out smokes.

Also I jus wanna be able to go out. I keep hearing about parties and shite on the radio and I jus wanna be there, but i know they are 21+.

THIS is my in. This is when I am going to belong again. I jus need to be able to go, mingle, meet new people, dance, and jus let loose.

My silver lining... March 8th 2006

exaspius @ 2006-01-29T19:51:00

2006-01-30T00:51:21Z

get off my leg u fricken cocker spaniel...

exaspius @ 2006-01-29T09:42:00

2006-01-29T14:43:44Z

I have a new car that works beautifully.... my computer is all set up at the new place... I've been getting responses to companies that I've put in App's for.. I went back and danced at Haven...

Life is good

Whooooooohooooooooo!

Raise your eyes and glasses to a new beginning

2006-01-02T18:03:44Z

Spent new years in the arms of an amazing girl who's love has been the cement keepin this retard together.

Heres to another year of mishaps, fortunes, new faces, old faces, funny faces, hard drinks, soft drinks, pains, soothing caresses, notes on the fridge, messages over phones, shouts, whispers, explosions, melt downs, anything else you can remember, and the hundreds of others ya can't.

Remember:
"Wherever ya go give 'em hell and keep heaven in mind!"
"If the block can't hear it you ain't singin!"
"Bleed a river for your victories and cry a tear for your fallen but down a drop of fire for it all to remind ya of the pains ta come."